I did day it wouldn’t last…
I’m having a very humdrum hmphy day…. bored, lonely and drab.
Tired of the day today…. and the progress of acheivement being haulted.
I’m tired of it, tired of people and politics.
Perhaps i’ll try this again, I did hand write every day for about a week or 2, back in Jan… maybe ill pick that apart!
Ok, so I’m a little bit wordless today…. I have books to begin that i got for my b’day. One called ‘Mind Maps’ something about unleashing creativity and other bits and bobs in this noggin of mine…. annnd the other about travel so I ‘get the fuck out of the country’…
and thats about all i can manage to divulge today.
Sigh, in bed after a big weekend of birthdayness…
A crazy night in melbourne town later.
Here are the Lessons learned;
No more Tequila. Ever.
Never drunk dial. Ever.
Never put your phone down in the taxi. Ever.
Never wear a dress you’re not comfortable in. Ever.
I love my people.
Sex talk and statistics are always winners.
I’m sure there was plenty more… i love the people, i loved the night cat, i love Melbourne…. and even though i lost my phone i had one of the bests nights in a long long time.
Sooo i’ve been planning to start this committed thing for days now, but those who know me are well aware that commitment really isn’t my forte.
But Today seems fitting. Yesterday i turned 22. So here on my 1st full day of being a 22year old i’ll begin.
“By 22, Gandhi had 3 kids; Mozart, 37 symphonies; and Buddy Holly was dead.” A quote from the movie Remember Me that has absolutely scared the shit out of me since i saw it.
Just like the main character Tyler, i too have not much to show for my 22years of life… just me and who i am. I have no degree… no travel stories… no house or kids or symphonies…. by 23 i hope to make a start in the direction of at least a couple of those, preferably not the kids one though.
I had a lovely day, a quiet day with my family whom i love. and today, i’ve added red to my hair and I’m heading out to light the dance floor on fire. Today i’m starting my 22nd (or 23rd, could never quite work that out.) with fire in my belly and a tinge to my hair.
I’ve always had a dream of writing about something bigger. Writing for people to read, to learn from to gain from… through my often unkempt ramblings. My writing is hard to follow… I don’t like to edit too much, and I often start and never finish purely because i see no point but to take a mental load off… and really who wants to read that.
I have decided to now commit to this… once a day I’ll write, and in the process hopefully I will not only better my writing, but create the beginning of something. I’ve tried keeping diaries before… start off with great intentions that never lead anywhere. I think the longest I ever kept one going was 3days… skip a few… 2 days annnd forgotten.
So we shall see where this leads since it was nearly a year between tries last time.
What has sparked this?! A spontaneous reading of my star sign actually. They often scare me, Im sceptical to say the least, but occasionally they catch me off guard and hit a little too close to home.
Anyway, it read
Scorpio oct 24-nov22 : The recent departure of Mars from your sign, plus the imminent absence of Venus and Mercury, suggest a release of emotional energy. If you channel it into determination, you may move a mountain. But if you let it dwell in self-pity, resentment or any other indulgent mood, you’ll go a long way into an unnecessary hole. Strong feelings are wonderful when they motivate us to work hard or be creative- but when they get us down they’re best ignored. You don’t have to be a prisoner of pessimism or a victim of stress. The Calvary of common sense is riding to your rescue, wave it in encouragingly when it arrives.”
DING DING DING!! An epiphany. That’s exactly how I have been feeling of late… like I have been fighting terrible hard to stay away from a big hole… I even said to a friend that i can feel it, and see it and I’m teetering on the edge.
But I’m now determined to channel it…
For some reason, I woke up this morning with a need to write. Perhaps it is because I haven’t really been OK in a long time… I’ve been going through the motions ignoring the fact that I was hurt, crushed down and then tore apart again. I’m a strong person so I don’t like to wollow in that, but the ‘move along’ stratergy that has worked for a while has come to a crashing hault leaving me to feel sore.
My distraction of choice has gone. Which left me feeling rather vulnerable and exposed, confused as to why it actually mattered too me that much. Then a booze fueled emotional outburst and a night that still leaves me feeling sick to my stomach sent the signals off. The end of the distraction was the catalist of realisation… I’m still not back together again.
It took me weeks to work that out. I couldn’t work out why I seemed hurt when the reason for being would go against all the words that have come out of my mouth.
I wrote that paragraph at 8am this morning, those flood gates are now closed and i can’t seem to find words anymore. I have come back to this after a dreary day of normal, and it just seems easier to let it lie… I’m to tired to sort through the shit tonight.
Lately, the image of holding hand has been playing on my mind. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I’m not entirely sure why. It started by hearing song lyrics, anything to do with holding hand seemed to stand out like a sore thumb. My favorite? ‘Take your hand knot your fingers through mine…’ I don’t like to hold hand much… its not something i’ll do with just anyone, which i kinda find a bit strange. Holding a hand, implies safety and connectivity, moving in the same direction, Keeping up with each other so you don’t let go. And that’s when i realised. All my heart wants is a hand to hold.